I've been wondering for awhile if I'm just being too nice to my husband. I'm being perfectly honest and giving the full scenario. My husband and I have been married for six years and together over 7. We have one precious child. I was a stay at home Mom for 2.5 years and he works really hard outside the home. I already have one degree, but am going back to school to take it a little further now. I will have my BSN soon, which is very demanding. I go to school 4 days a week and work a part-time job on the weekends. We live fairly nicely and I don't want or need for much. I am highly educated, but have decided to stay home with our son as much as possible, and I did for my pregnancy and the first 2.5 years of our son's life. I clean the house top to bottom once a week, do all the laundry, iron my husband's clothes, lay his clothes out at night before bed so he has them ready in the morning, have a home cooked dinner on the table every night at 6:30 (except for Fridays), take care of all the finances, take care of the vehicles, arrange for the yard to be taken care of, take care of our two dogs, keep myself fit and nice looking, give him sex just about everytime he wants it, pack his lunch every night, and I get up at 4 every morning with him and make his breakfast. Plus, I study every evening and work 13 hours at the local hospital for rotations on Wednesday.
I WOULD NOT have a problem with this at all if I felt appreciated, but he doesn't. He does not say thank you and does nothing special for me ever. In the six years we've been married I've never even had an orgasm from him...I have to please myself. I would never ever cheat on him, so I just find ways to pleasure myself. He's not abusive or anything, but I just feel neglected.
We have gone to marriage counseling, sex therapy, discussed this many many times, and nothing gets better. In fact, it's getting worse.
I feel like he brings out the worst in me and I'm always irritated now. I have zero depression or anxiety by the way. I'm just at my witts end. I can't give or do anymore. The stress is starting to eat away at my body too. The doctors have told me this for the past two years too. Because of all of the demands, I don't get much sleep and I'm under constant stress. I'm starting to lose patches of my hair, have stomach ulcers, cystic acne, and heart problems. I've discussed this with my husband and he shows no concern. As a matter of fact, I was hospitalized back in April for a week and he never once came to see me at the hospital. I had to drive myself home actually. I have pretty major surgery too, but he never came up there.
He has also started fighting, professionally, just within the last two years. So, he drives to work first thing in the mornings, an hour away, then when he gets off work, he goes and trains. He doesn't get home until 9 at night almost every evening. I feel like a single parent. He has only given our 3 year old son 3 or 4 baths in his whole life. He is almost never home.
OH! And to top it off, we have slept in seperate beds for over a year. I have tried and tried and tried to get him to change and be more of a family man and a partner, but nothing changes. He just doesn't seem to understand he has a wife and child at home.
At any rate, without going on and on (because I could), I'm wondering if I should go ahead and seek legal advice and start my case against him? I have put this off for so long because of our son, but I'm beginning to realize my husband is never home anyway and I don't want our son thinking that this is what marriage is all about. Plus, I hate how he sees us arguing and how my husband talks down to me. I don't want him thinking that's how to treat someone you love.
The thing is, I can't go to school full time and afford this house and all of our bills. So, I'm going to have to wait to do the divorce completely until after I graduate in a year. But, I know it is going to be a fight. So, should I go ahead and start speaking with an attorney now?
And, for those of you who think I'm exagerating about what I do for him, or about the situation in general, I'm not. I'm being 100% honest. I have no reason to lie to anyone on here. I don't even know any of you.
I was raised that you take care of your husband no matter what, good ol' Southern girl. My parents have been married 30 years and my grandparents over 50. I took my vows to heart and never thought I'd ever be divorced. I just can't continue at this rate.
And for those of you wondering if I have told him what I want and need pertaining to sexual needs, I have...many times. He truly does not care that I don't get ofLegal Advice/Marital Advice?
I wouldn't delay consulting a divorce attorney. You can always pay a retainer now and get an initial consultation to weigh legal options, strategies and time lines for a separation and possible divorce without actually initiating divorce proceedings until a later date more ideal for you. If you take care of all the finances, it's unlikely he will be aware of what you are doing in case you change your mind or don't want to indirectly tip your hand about retaining an attorney in contemplation of a divorce. If nothing else, taking the proactive step might ease some of your stress and/or bring you closer to self-realization as to whether you really want and should file for divorce.
Notwithstanding your husbands claim that he wants to be a good husband and father, it appears that he is either not entirely sincere about that sentiment or his concept of what being a good husband and father is significantly different than yours. It could be that he thinks that being a good provider is all that is required and that in exchange for that he is entitled to everything you are providing for him and your child. If he grew up without a father and a saw his mother in numerous relationships that were abusive then the bar is probably set pretty low in his mind as to what being a good husband and father entails.
If he is incapable of change on this fundamental level, or not willing to change for you, then it seems like the two of you have irreconcilable differences as to what a marriage and family should be and you should probably eventually at least file for separation if not divorce. If that doesn't serve as an adequate motivation for him to change then you can move forward with divorce proceedings.
As an aside, as someone who trains with professional fighters, I can tell you that it's highly unlikely that he will ever be able to commit time to a first job and a professional fighting career without neglecting his responsibilties as a husband and a father. As long as that goes on, you are not likely to see any change regarding the amount of time he spends with you and your son.Legal Advice/Marital Advice?
You are being overly-understanding, and more than fair. Agree to seek marriage counselling together, and develop a mutual respect and more balanced relationship.
this seems like a tough situation, but you should always do what you think is best, even if that means to file for divorce. Before doing so, you should let him know that if he isn;t willing to change and start appreciating you and acting like a parent, then you would like to seek seperation. From their, his response should make your decision much easier. You have obviously gone on long enough with him acting this way. People always say ';don't stay together for the kids';, and they are right. You might only make it harder for your son if you try to make a shakey marriage work.
Sleeping apart is not a marriage, I think you'd be much happier if you file for a divorce, you've done all you can. And as a woman with NO kids who is commuting over 2 hours to school while working 2 part time jobs with a straight A average, I can tell you that you deserve A LOT of credit for this and deserve a better man. My bf does most of the dinners, cleans, does my laundry if he sees my hamper is full, and is totally supportive. Where this is obviously taking a physical toll on you, and you've tried everything else, I'd let him go, sounds like you do great on your own. good luck.
You need to see a attorney and find out what your options are. You must find a full time job. I can't believe you can put up with your husband for another year. What would happen to your child if something happened to you.? Your education has to go on the back burner for now, your health and the welfare of your child have to come first. Life is much too vaulable to live it the way you have. Best of luck to you.
PS. HE IS NOT teaching your son what family is all about.that is not what family is all about. It might just be a way of manipulating you to stay with him. Have a talk with him and tell him what you said and tell him that you feel he is just being a roommate, etc., and not like family. Have him see the situation through someone your eyes, tell him you'll give him a last shot, and see if anything changes. If not, I would say to move on. Show him that you are serious.
Honey, look from someone else's point of view at this whole situation. You are stuck and you are reluctant, maybe even scared, to get out of this relationship, which is harming you to the point where it is causing you heart problems!!! Do you really still want to be stuck in this situation for the rest of your life? I doubt there's going to be change, but if you realize that he's really sincere and tries really hard to change, then i think you should give it another shot.
If i were a guy, i would dream to be your wife! You sound so devoted and wonderful! I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I totally believe you.
He sounds to me like he's trying to run away from you for some odd reason. He sounds like he doesn't want to have a relationship, period! You've done all you can, and i think that the best thing to do now is to move on. You need to have a normal life. You can't continue being in this. It's hurting you badly.This is NOT what i would call a marriage! I would say contact an attourney and just end this relationship, and start a fresh, new life. Don't keep on waiting.
For the sake of your child, i would recommend hiring a divorce mediator to make it a peaceful divorce.
And in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself and get away. I would suggest going to some friends for a while, get yourself to a spa and/or a manicure and pedicure, talk to a therapist so that you could have someone to pour out your heart to instead of keeping it in, and go take walks with your son and bond with him and have a talk with him about everything. But you need to get away it's extremely unhealthy for both of you!!!
Also, ONE question: I was wondering if your husband came from a broken home or grew up without love? If he did, then that shows outright why he is like that. Children who grow up a certain way may reflect other behaviors in the future with their own family (not there is any excuse for certain behaviors).
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